[Filter: Private]

After everything ...

After every skinned knee he ever kissed better, don't I at least owe him a chance to try?

I just need to ...

[Filter: Destin]

... okay. I think I'm ... ready to talk, again.

Well, Forbes and I were out the other night, and we went to this neat little restaurant that took inspiration from Atsirian cuisine and combined it with local things, and I have this fantastic meal, and since I feel like ruining everyone's day and making you all hungry, I'm going to explain it.

It was a really spicy stir fry, sort of Atsirian styled, but with all local ingrediants, and it was all done with seafood. There were scallops and shrimps and crab meat and clams all mixed into the vegatables. And there was sliced bamboo shoots in it, but they were flavoured so interestingly and really brought out the flavour of everything else ...

Oh, and I got into an altercation about water chestnuts -- I can't believe some people don't like them~ I think they're so delicious, especially with other things, and the texture is so crisp. Mmmmm.

I'm hungry again just thinking about it. I want to go back and have another whole plate.

[Filter: Destin]

You know, it suddenly occurs to me that I never actually told you ...

I did talk to Forbes. Weeks ago, actually, near the start of the month.

[Filter: Private]

It's worth trying. If nothing else ... maybe the air will be clear.

[Filter: Forbes]

... alright, I think we should meet. It can be whenever you'd like, doing whatever you want, but I'd like to set a few rules.

First, if I'm too uncomfortable with anything you say, I get to just turn around and leave, and I don't want you trying to convince me to stay. I won't do it easily, but I really don't know what to suspect, so ...

And second, you have to treat me with respect, no matter what you think of me at this point. I don't -- I'm not saying you wouldn't, but ... I think it's fair just to be sure.

[Filter: Destin]

Forbes wants to talk to me.

He asked weeks ago, and I told him that I'd like to think about it, and I have been, really. But I still don't know what to say, whether I should see him, what I should do ...

I hope you don't mind giving some advice to your poor, strayed little sister? She could really use it ...~

[Filter: Private]

He could at least talk to me.

"Pass the salt" and "Hold up while I check my horse's hooves" and "I'll pay for the rooms" and "You should have that tack looked at."

How about "You seduced me, you slut, and I hate myself for falling for it."

I can see it in his eyes. Why not just put it to words?

I ...

I just want to be home. Haha, but I don't know what difference it's going to make when I am. I still won't want to bring it up, and I'm starting to think I have a natural talent for putting on a happy face~

Happy Festival, Lizzie.

[Filter: Public]

I'm so exhausted!

We got to Aurore this morning, and rented some horses for riding and some to carry our things, and since then it's just been hard riding through the countryside~ I think my bruises have bruises. Forbes is even worse for it, he's not as much a rider as I am. I think he has saddlesores~

We think we'll be able to be in Lucre for the Festival. Hopefully sometime tomorrow, but that's not looking too likely at this point, haha~ I guess I'll be running around on the actual day doing all my shopping alone. Dragons, I knew we should have left a few days earlier.

Oh, well. The adventure was worth it.

[Filter: Private]

Haven't said a word since then.

Haha, I'm not sure there are any words to say.

He must be feeling the very same. He hasn't even come out of his rooms. Not that I've seen him, at least. It wouldn't surprise me if he's just killing himself in there, tearing himself to shreds.

I know I should feel as if this is my fault. But that's not it, that's not why I feel guilty. He could have stopped, too. He's no saint after all, just a man. I didn't prove that I'm worse than him, just ... just that I'm every bit as bad as I ever thought I might be.

I don't even know if I can say for sure if I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't. It's not like that, other places. Those who preach of the Goddesses say that we're only ashamed of our bodies because listening to priests go on about sin all the time has made us condemn ourselves. Doesn't that sound true? Isn't that the only reason I feel as if I'm ... soiled?

But ...

But I don't suppose it matters where I learned it. What matters is that I still believe it. What matters is that I feel dirty and empty. What matters is that if anyone knows, they're never going to look at me the same way again. I feel like a different person, someone I don't know. A weak, dirty slut. A failure.

I shouldn't be doing this to myself. This is exactly what I hate, isn't it?

I feel so alone.

[a long pause]

[Filter: Public]

Sigh, bad weather~ The sailors say that it could be worse. There isn't enough wind to really whip up the waves, is what they're telling me, but I still can't help but be a little nervous when I go above. I feel like we're so small, and the rain and wind and the ocean are so big ...

But that's sort of the adventure, huh? What fun is riding if you're on a well-behaved horse, and all of that~

Boats are as exciting as ever~! I like being on a ship, honestly. It doesn't always smell amazing, but I like the sound of the sails moving in the wind, and the way the breeze goes through my hair and ruffles my dress. It's nice~ I think I could just sail around in circles and be happy with it.

In case you can't tell, that means that we're on our way back home, so everyone can stop missing me soon~! We have another fast ship, too, so it won't take forever.

[Filter: Private]

I think it would be easier if he just weren't so ... selfless. So good. No matter what Destin says, that is hard to just forget about and keep pushing on. Some people he barely knows have a bad day, and it ruins him? That's just ... that's just not normal.

And he never does anything wrong, ever. He's so perfect and I'm just putting him through the wringer.

If he could just do something that proved he was as human as anyone else, maybe I could stop feeling so much like a witch.

Hrm.

[Filter: Private]

Destin's probably right. Guilt doesn't fix anything, and living for someone else is just how people get miserable.

It would just be so much easier if he weren't so ... good. If he did something wrong, ever.

Even when he's all ... like this, he's still ...

[Filter: Forbes]

Hrm.

Is something the matter, Forbes? You've seemed so ... distant and sad these last few days. I didn't want to mention it, but you just haven't seemed any better ...

[Filter: Private]

This is the first time since we met that I've felt genuinely bad for him.

He is that good of a person, and I'm ... well, I'm not a villainess! I'm not a witch in my tower with a crow and the most evil of intentions! But ... but I am taking advantage of him and I do put him through the ringer, and that is ...

I don't know.

How long is it alright to play a game before it stops being fun and starts being cruel? I don't think I've ever lead someone on quite thing long before ... and certainly never all the way to another country ...~

I'd talk to Maire about it, but after the scolding I got before, it seems like putting my neck out without need.

Besides, I think Destin would undersatnd a whole lot better, anyway. After all ...

[Filter: Destin]

Are you sick with missing me, yet~?

[Filter: Private]

What a stupid little fight. I just can't get it out of my head, either? Ugh.

I don't have anything to apologize for. What did I do? Stick up for my father? It's Destin who should feel bad. It's ...

It's ...

... haha~ It's not as simple as all that, and I know it.

There's a reason we try to avoid that exact conversation ...

Hrm.

Sometimes, it would be nice to pray and feel like someone's listening who cares. I wonder And if Daddy heard me talking like that, he'd tan my hide, too, now wouldn't he~?

[Filter: Public]

I know I said I'd write often, but you just wouldn't believe what a lovely time I'm having~ Forbes's work is so amazing. He helps so many people. When he's doing something scenic or pleasant, or grand, he brings me along and you wouldn't believe some of the things I've seen. We went to an orange orchard where he gave a sermon to all the workers there. We have lemons and pineapples and some other citrus home, but I've actually never seen an orange orchard, before~ It was lovely, I climbed one of the ladders and picked an orange right off the tree and ate it~ You wouldn't believe how wonderful they tasted, fresh like that. Delicious~

Of course, my fingers were sticky for days after that.

And, of course, some days his work is terribly boring. He invited me the first time while he inspected some little church and I'm a little embarrased to admit that I fell asleep on the back pews while they discussed finances and things. That was never my forte~ After that, I've just started staying back in my room at the inn while he goes on those little trips.

Oh, but even that's lovely~ I order food into the room and lay in bed, and sometimes I go for walks to see the city. Aeda really is lovely. It's so different from Lucre~

Hm, I really feel like I have so much energy~ I'm really glad I decided to do this~

Thank you so much for the opportunity, Forbes~ I hope you don't mind me talking about you in the third person, like this~

[Filter: Private]

You know, I really don't appreciate the tone~ I didn't think you were such a slave to all of that, Maire. Obviously, I wouldn't actually do anything, but is it so bad to just playfully suggest that it's a possibility?

It's not like ...

Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's not exactly a shock, after all. Destin is the only person who's ever really even tried to understand.

What's so good about being good all the time?

[Filter: Public]

Alright, as much as I love this city, I've come across a fairly major downfall!

How is it possible that a port city could have such subpar seafood?

Forbes took me to this lovely little place near the nicer side of the docks last night and I've really been craving some good homestyle shellfish, and they had this delicious sounding plate full of scallops and mussels and clams on the menu. And for a few extra gold, it came with stuffed shrimps. I was definitely thrilled~

Until I actually got it. It was alright, I guess, but the flavour was just so bland! No matter how much lemon I squeezed onto them, it just didn't zing. The mussels, especially. Our cook at the manor at home makes the most amazing mussels sauteed in butter, garlic, parsley, olive oil, and lemon. This was just comparatively disappointing, sigh.

I'm craving crab now, but I'm not sure I'm prepared for the hearbreak of having that be nowhere near as good, either. So, boo! Sigh.

I wonder if I could find a Megami style restaurant around here. Maybe that'd be better ...

[Filter: Private]

I know it isn't nice to tease him like this, but he's so easy and it's really harmless in the end, isn't it~?

Hearing all of those people talking in Atsirian got me thinking, too ... hm.

[Filter: Public]

Forbes, have you given any thought to what I proposed~? I meant it, you know. I hate the thought of you spending all that money to give me my own room. If it's your comfort you're worried about, I'd be happy to share the bed with you so you don't have to get down on a hard bedroll~

Aeda's really something. It's busy busy here, but I don't mind that. It's sort of fun, actually~ And so many people! I went for a walk by the port today while Forbes was busy with church things and I heard all of these conversations in Atsirian. At least, I think it was Atsirian. How would I know~? But the people talking were so short I thought it had to be.

Don't worry, Forbes, I was very careful~ I didn't get anywhere near any of those big dirty porters, and I kept away from the dingier parts of the dock.

Oh, and I saw Lord ... Anthony, I think? ...'s flagship~ It's absolutely amazing. I don't know who Dentoria thinks they're going to have a sea battle against, but I hope it's not us, because just that one ship could crush us.

Oh, this is so much fun~ I'm really glad I decided to come along, Forbes.

Anyway, update for the curious~ We reached Aurore yesterday and we boarded our ship this morning. We've been sailing for a while now and ... it's amazing. I've never been on a ship before~ It's just a small, light passenger vessel. I was worried I'd be seasick, but I'm really not at all, the ocean is incredible. We can barely see the shore. It's so blue in every direction, and it's such a clear day~

I don't miss home terribly yet, but it hasn't been that long. I'm sure any day now, it's going to hit me really bad, but at least I'm ready for it~

How long before we get there, Forbes? It seems to me that we're going faster than anything has the right to go, looking at the water going by~ I wouldn't be surprised if we were in Aeda tomorrow~

[Filter: Private]

Blah~

[Filter: Forbes]

I hope we're going to have a wonderful time tomorrow night~ It'll be the last time for quite a while, after all ...

[Filter: Private]

Hm.

It's funny, I really didn't think of there being people who were really involved in that Goddesses business here. But I suppose it must be because they write in Atsirian and ... well, all of that~

Haha, I really shouldn't be thinking about this, should I? It probably would have been better for everyone if there wasn't anyone here. Nice-sounding little fairytales and rumours are one thing, but ...



... sigh, he's leaving really soon, isn't he? Five days. Hrm.

Oh, maybe it's for the best. I know he's a lot more serious about this than I am, and that's just not going to end well, like always.

[Filter: Destin]

I hear you're going on a little trip~

[Filter: Private]

Am I so disappointed because I really wanted to go?

Hrm.

I'm sure it's just like I told Maire. I'm sure I'd be upset no matter how that coin flipped, and it was definitely tails. So ... right. What else can I do~?

Well. Telling him would be a good start.

[Filter: Forbes]

Hey, hey ...~

[Filter: Maire]

Okay.

I've decided how I'm going to choose what to do, and I want you to be "here," sort of, while I do it.

I chose you instead of Destin because you're less whiney~

[Filter: Private]

Well, it can't hurt anything, though I could see him pulling a muscle if he panics too much ...~

Ugh, why did this have to get complicated? The lack of complicated was the joy of it! I just don't know. Do I want to go? Of course I do. It would be fun. It would be an adventure. But I don't want to leave Daddy, and Destin, and Emery, and Maire, and all my other friends.

And -- and it's more than that. I don't know if everything would be the same when I got back. Maybe all Daddy needs is some real proof that I'm not a little girl anywhere, and me running off to Dentoria with an older man, that's would do it~ ... but it's also true that he could realize that on his own at any moment, and this is my only chance for a big last hurrah. I know this can't last forever.

Mother would say to pray about it.

As if that ever solved anything.

Maybe I should just ... flip a sodding coin~ Wouldn't that be a laugh?

Goodness, didn't I ever get off track?

[Filter: Forbes]

Hi, hi~

[Filter: Private]

Well, shit.

I really didn't see this coming, ahahahaha~

Wow, ummmm ... I don't even know. This would be leading him on, I know it would, and I don't know if I'm brave enough to actually do it but ... well, it sounds ... so nice, honestly, and, ummmm, holy --

Dragons, what?

[Filter: Destin]

Well, I have something else to talk about, now!

[Filter: Maire]

Oh, Dragons, Maire, I had the most ... um, fascinating date last night!